Okay, so, continuing with my spam-posting—my trusty P.Pole is the only other place for my thoughts to go other than run amok in my head right now—here’s an article I stumbled upon while meandering through my blog feeds (I’ve neglected a bunch of things lately, and my feeds are in that pile). I left everything intact (except for some punctuation and formatting). I’m not big on accepting life-advice from the Internet, but I’m mentioning this article because… this girl (whoever wrote this thing) sounds like my Keith when I asked him for relationship advice last night—perhaps he secretly writes for online publications as a young North-American woman. No emphasis added by the way. Via Datingish.
Do You and Your Partner Communicate Clearly?
Communication between two people is more than mouths moving, ears perking, and limbs switching. It is the cornerstone of human relationships. Without effective communication, a relationship can’t exist. It’s easy to look back at old relationships and blame the other person for why the romance failed. In some cases, one party does bare more of the burden than the other. Speaking for myself, I bare the less visible but more noxious burden of my former relationships going awry. I didn’t communicate with my partner properly.
Healthy relationships and communication are modeled for us by our parents and caregivers in childhood. Patterns and dynamics that we witness growing up, follow us throughout life. From my older siblings and friends I always heard: “Never show someone that they’ve hurt you. Just act like you don’t care about what they did to you.” Sadly, I followed this advice.
Non reaction to negative behavior is a failure to communicate with your partner. If someone hurts you, you are within your right to make them aware of that. How else is the other person supposed to know what bothers you or not? If your partner seems to be uninterested in your emotional reactions, end the courtship. Relationships are actually fortified after two parties effectively communicate their feelings about a conflict. Both parties are sharing their sensitivities with another person. This second crucial part of relationships is mutual vulnerability.
I learned to hide my feelings from my partner. I learned to feign strength and never show vulnerability. This is a self defeating and self destructive behavior. Feel safe enough to reveal your insecurities to your partner. S/he should respect the boundaries that you set even if they don’t completely make sense in the beginning. After knowing you for awhile, s/he will begin to understand why you are sensitive to certain circumstances or stimuli.
It’s important to let your partner know that s/he’s hurt you. If you don’t, you’re not fulfilling your responsibility to your partner. S/he will feel that the hurtful behavior is okay. S/he will assume a level of inculpability. This is how serial heart breakers multiple across the globe. Stop bad behavior in it’s tracks. Keep in mind that you don’t want to henpeck your mate either though. Pick your battles. No need to have hour long conversations about every thing that annoys you.
My mentor’s wife said something to me a few years ago and I never forgot it. “Well, no one lives in your mind.” she reminded me. Those simple words sent me on a mental tailspin. Even in the apex of my non communication, I expected my partner to react a certain way without uttering a word. Then, if my partner didn’t respond in the manner that I mentally prescribed, I would feel enraged and hurt. I must have been delusional back then. I created my own chaos and mental strain. How could I expect someone to react to my erratic behavior pattern that resulted from my own push and pull behavior?
Healthy Communication Mechanisms:
Identify Your Partner’s Communication Style: We all communicate differently. Some of us speak louder with actions than words. Whereas, some women prefer to write out their feelings (like me). Don’t read too much into body language if you know that your partner is more verbal. Know your partners key communication mechanism. Hence, you won’t end up sweating the wrong stuff.
Actively Listen: Listen to what your partner is saying. Give him or her your full attention. Don’t answer you cell phone if it rings. The call can wait. Your partner needs to know that your relationship is a top priority.
Reflect Back What You’ve Heard: For the sake of clarity, always reflect back what you think your partner has said. Reword his or her sentences. Don’t be sarcastic or rude either. S/he’s trying to build your relationship which you can easily break for lack of respect.
Give Your Honest Feedback: Clarify your partner’s feelings with your own. Reconcile any misconceptions that s/he may have had. Admit to your shortcomings. Present your concerns with the relationship; but, don’t become accusatory. If you have an issue, don’t blame it on her or him. Frame your concern on the failure for the two of you to communicate clearly.
Work Out An Action Plan: Figure out the best way to avoid future miscommunication from happening with your partner. Establish a clear common goal or system of speaking and listening to one another. Set new boundaries or be willing to let old one’s diminish. You’ll need to compromise with your partner.
Follow Up: Check in with your partner after the situation has resolved. Use your discretion when bringing it up again. Ask your partner if s/he’s noticed improvement in the situation. If s/eh has, express your pleasure. If not, discuss what may have gone awry and set a new action plan into play.
No matter what you do… Never keep it all inside. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. So be mature, respectful and clear. Love enough to communicate.