5 reasons why you probably want me to lead/be in your zombie-apocalypse party:
- Preparation: seemingly effortlessly, I have already amassed a small arsenal of weapons that would be especially useful when fending off the undead masses (more on this after the jump)
- Know-How: through countless hours of intense study, poring over zombie media of all rambles and shambles, I have a pretty complete knowledge of all the dos and don’ts of zombie survival, including mercilessly bludgeoning your former best friend’s head into a head-caving second-death as soon as he turns into a mindless flesh eater
- Cardio: I’m a decently athletic guy (I call it “slim, not scrawny”) who won’t be that guy—you know, the who causes a bunch of fellow survivors to get totally zombified (which is an actual, totally bitchin’ English word, while bitchin’ isn’t) as they try to save his lazy ass after he trips on his heart attack and/or requires 4x assistance to climb over a 6-inch curb
- Humor: in a desolate wasteland full of waste and land (and zombies), you would naturally want a charismatic, wise-cracking smart-ass who can lighten the mood, for example by making inappropriate comments about your girlfriend’s even more inappropriate weight issues
- Creativity: sometimes it takes a true genius to come up with ideas as crazy as strapping plastic explosives onto outraged weasel-rats (which will make plenty of noisy protest to attract zombies), and chucking these detonable rodents at a pre-granola trail mix’d mob of confused but intrigued zombies, that are so crazy they might just actually work, so here’s to me, reporting for invention duty
I'm like this, but with a penis.
I am actually not kidding when it comes to the survival gear/armament. Somewhere back in Toronto, I’ve got a hardwood training katana that could probably smash in quite a few zombie skulls. I just need to find it. Here in Waterloo, I’ve got a mini-league baseball bat which could also serve a key role in cranial-cavity production. An airsoft handgun may seem a bit frivolous, but it might be useful as a quiet but effective means of… shooting cans and stuff to cause a distraction from afar (not to mention that I am a pretty decent shot from practice). Finally, I have a small assortment of knives and blades (some of which I got for SCUBA purposes, but most of them for shivving purposes) which could be handy cutting materials like rope and tarps or for getting yourself out of a bind.
In other news, I purchased a hundred feet of 550 lbs grade parachute cord (550 paracord for other non-n00bs) along with a bunch of buckles, so that I can make some survival/handy-rope bracelets. I’ve got enough paracord to make five black ones and five ACU digital camo ones. I’m planning on selling some off at $6.50 a pop (random odd number). Should be a pretty fun little exercise, making miscellaneous goods by hand for Westerners to enjoy. Makes me feel like I’m back in the Motherland.